Many years ago, a coworker, whom I really admired, lost her husband to cancer. At this stage in my life, I had some experience with death and grief, but nothing as intense as what she was experiencing. I recall sending her a card and writing something along the lines of, “If you need anything, just ask. As always, I am here for you.” Later, I would regret my choice of words. Not because she asked for anything. She did not. I realized that my words were hollow and they only made me feel better about her situation. That was not a conscious choice on my part. I did not sit down and think, “What can I say so that I do not have to feel bad about her loss.” That phrase, “As always, I am here for you;” so awkward. I was not a regular part of her life. How had I ever helped her? Oh, I know, one day, when she was on vacation, I mailed her credit card payment.
Not long after the death of a family member, a friend from my past contacted me. When she learned what had happened, she immediately messaged me and asked for my address because she needed to come take care of me. I did not know how to say “no thank you,” and so I simply did not respond. I am not proud of how I handled her, but I am so glad that I recognized and protected my boundaries during such a difficult time. I knew that:
1) If I had too many people around, I would spend my energy making them feel better about my situation, instead of focusing on my own healing; and
2) This particular person was well-intentioned yet overbearing. She would come and try to run every aspect of my life.
In sharing these stories with you, I am not trying to shame myself or others. I am simply pointing out how difficult it can be to find the right way to give and receive help. We all have times when we want to help or be helped, but the nuances of both scenarios can be tricky.
For most of us, the good news is that the willingness to help or be helped exists. You do not have to go through difficult times alone, and you can help others during their painful experiences. We will all have challenges. You can have or be a kalyāṇa-mitta, a good spiritual friend.
I may not have been a true spiritual friend to my former coworker, but I could have been more caring and supportive. Given the nature of our relationship, a sympathy card with a simple signature would be a good choice. Or, when she returned to work, I could have found a way to help her ease back into the office. If I had been practicing Buddhism at this time, the most appropriate response from me would have been to send as much mettā her way as possible.
In other instances, it can make sense to act without asking. This is why so many people drop off casseroles or meals or groceries. People need to eat, and in a state of heavy grief it can be a relief not to have to worry about cooking. Instead of asking, “Do you want me to go to the store?” Consider saying, “I am going to the store. While I am there, what can I bring you?” Or if you know some of their needs and preferences, just pick things up for them. I will always remember how helpful it was that a friend of mine just brought me healthy juices and breakfast items, In this way, at least I could start my day more easily.
You can also drop by for a short visit. Before you do, consider whether or not your friend appreciates this type of behavior. I say this because I can think of two instances where people came and knocked and knocked on my door. I know they meant well, but I was not open to visitors.
When you do spend time with your grieving friend, respect their process. If they need to cry, cry with them, or sit silently. If they need to keep busy, let them be busy. Let them have their grief, their way.
If you remember a birthday, an anniversary, or another special occasion, send a quick text: “Thinking of you today.” I was very impressed and appreciative that one of my friends sent my birthday and holiday texts for the first two years after my family member died.
Examine your intentions as you offer assistance. The most important thing is to act from a place of genuine compassion and respect for their unique grieving process, while being mindful not to impose your own ideas about how they “should” grieve.
You will have a time when you need the support of kalyāṇa-mitta. Self-awareness will serve you well. It can be difficult when you are in the middle of a crisis to know what you need. But if you have a sense of self ahead of time, then you know to avoid your overbearing friend and to spend time with the ones who bring you peace. You know that you need someone to walk your dog, or to go to the store, or to mow your lawn.
Whenever you can, be kind about the kind of support you need, and do not be afraid to turn down actions or suggestions that drain your energy or make your situation more difficult.
Consider what kind of support would actually ease your mind, then ask for it clearly:
• Emotional support: “Could you simply listen while I sort through mixed feelings?”
• Practical help: “Would you help with calls, meals, or rides around the funeral?”
• Dhamma support: “Can we sit together for 15 minutes of mindfulness or mettā?”
• Ritual guidance: “Could a monk/nun advise me on making merit (dāna) and dedicating it (pattidāna) for the deceased?”
• Ongoing check-ins: “Would you text me next week and on the one-month mark?”
Practice wise speech (sammā-vācā) as you share. Be truthful, gentle, and purposeful. Set kind boundaries so support stays helpful:
• “I’m not looking for advice—listening is what I need.”
• “I want to honor what was true without pretending it was different.”
• “I’m okay skipping detailed stories; a quiet cup of tea would help.”
• “Family posts are a lot for me right now; I’ll step back from group chats.”
If your emotions feel overwhelming, widen your circle. A therapist who respects your Buddhist values can help you work skillfully with guilt and regret. Ask friends to mark meaningful dates with you—seven days, 100 days, or the anniversary, according to your tradition—and join you in simple practices: a short chant, offering alms, or dedicating the goodness of your meditation. If you ever feel unsafe, seek immediate help from local crisis resources. Support is part of the path; letting others care for you is also an act of wisdom.
And finally, feel free to share your ideas and suggestions around what has helped you or others during times of crisis. In this way, we can truly be together in grief.
May you be well and happy, at ease, and free from suffering.
Margaret Meloni
